New beginnings..

Honey.. I'm home!

2006-06-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

I've been away for practically a lifetime... Now I'm back and I've grown up a bit and learned some stuff and changed.

Nice to be back really...
Not much to say at the moment... Watch this space!!

Cockroach!

2006-04-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

I was settling down to do my legs last night when I picked up my flannel and A COCKROACH FELL OUT ONTO MY LEG!

I was a big girl though, I caught it all on my own without screaming (although I'll admit at one point I did squeak a bit) and then threw it out the window.

I'm so damn brave!!

I also have to find a new place to live!

Bluurgh

2006-04-11T09:46:00.000-07:00

Hayfever's hit me... even with the tablets etc I feel rotten... My nose is itchy and my eyes feel swollen

Last thing I want to do is work, but here I am plugging away...

I want to go hide under my duvet now please...

The world's not so bad...

2006-04-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

My bag was handed in...

I've just got back from the security office where my bag was. Ok I didn't get my coat back, but the important thing was my bag.

The whole world isn't a crime ridden place after all - just slightly.

Not a happy bunny

2006-04-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

Saturday night I had my bag stolen. Some creep not only saw fit to steal my bag at this time but also my coat as well. I've lost everything but my phone (thank god!) I even lost my passport as I needed it for ID. Now I feel stupid. I was on the verge of going home, now I wish I had... The club itself was a bag of poo... the music was so old it made me want to cry and the place was full to bursting with chavvy town types...

All in all a really crap weekend.

A roll in the hay

2006-04-07T08:48:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again... the time when everytime I walk outside I feel that nagging twinge in my nose.
I know its begun... I'm off to the doctors tomorrow to get antihistamine'd up, have my shots and then get the prescription for the tablets. Yep mine's that bad I need shots and tablets. It's ok once I've got them though. Thank goodness. Unfortunately, until then I want to take out my eyes and put them in water they itch so much!

Meanwhile I've also made a pact:
Even if it kills me - I'm swearing off men... for at least a month.

I just cannot handle the hassle. The being responsible to someone else, the having to check your plans with them. the not being able to check out other fit men... (ok so I can look but not touch - which is the bit that may kill me!) I am going to do this. For my own peace of mind and to prove that I can. To prove that I'm not half as bad as people think I am!

Once more unto the breach dear friends...

Sunny day,,,

2006-04-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

Spent a large part of yesterday evening realising that even if the sun is out doesn't mean it summer yet! I bumped into a few mates in the local and we had a pint outside. which semed like a good idea at first but after a while we were all feeling more than a little nippy. Eventually they left and I retired inside, where I bumped into more friends and we ended up watching the football and getting fairly intoxicated. I wandered home, got some chineese and went to bed.

Thing is this morning I should be hanging. I should be one step up from comatose. Especially as I followed the age old tradition of watching football AND drinking lager (any other time I'm a double vodka and lemonade girl recently - beer's just too HEAVY, and gives me a hideous hangover) I should be pale and slightly green around the gills. However I was up with the lark and tidying my room before showering changing and heading off to work!

I don't see this as a turn around - a sign to start drinking beer again. I just see this as the right combination of food, greasy chineese and biscuits!

A ray of hope

2006-04-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking about things since the weekend. My little trip up north may have enlightened me more than I can remember…
As much as my memory has failed me slightly - as a result I’ve gained some illumination.
I’ve been reprimanded for various small deviances recently, and I’ve been worrying about things too damn much. I might not be one of the hard-core party crew every weekend but I definitely have my moments. I may not be the most saintly person ever – god knows I’ve made some mistakes in my time. And I’m not hugely quiet or down to earth. I’m just me. I might be a tiny bit neurotic but aren’t we all… I bet everyone has moments where they inwardly panic about something. I just happen to be honest about my little panics in the hope that they might raise a smile. I guess I just like to make people laugh. I’m not that bothered if it’s at me, as opposed to with me. Just as long as people are happy.

Round and round

2006-04-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

In some ways maybe going back home for Easter will be good for me. Remind me of the reasons I left. Plus I'll get a chance to properly catch up with my friends. I wonder if aything's the same as last time...

Meanwhile here in today land. Yesterday was pretty slow really. In the evening I did meet a Fred Durst look-a-like. That aside nothing of note happened.

Off to the doctors for a check-up this evening... fun fun! I just want the weekend to be here now. Which is so not good... I'm wishing my life away!

Again.. again!

2006-04-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

This weekend was one of the best ever. In a totally fabulous way. I’ve now seen The Bull Ring – a bit mad on a Saturday and I had to queue for the escalators hehe! Then it was off to my hotel to check in. admittedly it was a bit of a scum hole but it was ok. Bed was a bit lumpy… bah! Got to the assigned meeting spot and after a few panicky moments I spotted people I recognised and all was well. Had plenty to drink and talked loads. It’s the first time I’ve thought about it but until then I’d not really thought about my board name but it was totally cringey having people come up and say “Are you pink n blak?” all good though I guess, I mean it could be much worse! Then eventually after a quick stop off for some people to get ready off to the club. I was practically bursting with excitement which I guess some people see as pretty sad but I’ve been looking forward to it for ages. It was pretty fab too! There were loads of people and I tell you what I’ve never been searched quite so thoroughly in my life… it was quite funny! We went up to the top room (no idea someone did tell me but the name escapes me hehe) and had a dance. The place had these cool glowing tables and a glowing bar too. Dj’s were good and the music was new (well I hadn’t heard all of it before anyway!)
Later we went to Mud Club (no the apparently) and that was cool too. A lot less frantic than Air, very relaxed and red. Surprisingly enough I still wasn’t particularly tired and still plugging. I’ve no idea where the time went cos next thing I know its time to go! And it’s getting light outside. Madness.
All in all the most amazing night and I really enjoyed then whole thing!
Nice day Sunday too. Visited the ‘Rents and my Gramp’s grave which was sobering but it was his birthday so we put some flowers on it. Then SUNDAY LUNCH, my most favourite family tradition… then off home and an early night with the only sex I’ve seen for a while… Sex and the City.

Now when can I go up and do it all again?

Yey

2006-03-31T08:46:00.000-08:00

It's now Friday... hooraah...

Gawd this is gonna be an interesting weekend!!

more later when my head comes off the ceiling...

Almost Friday

2006-03-30T23:44:00.000-08:00

Its, as I've said... almost Friday and I have the Friday feeling already... had a fab night out with my mate... roll on the weekend!!!

Boing boing...

2006-03-29T08:57:00.000-08:00

I couldn't sleep again last night. Too many random thoughts floating around. Got there eventually though. It was nice to have a day in the office minus a few annoyances as well.
Also I found a supermarket that sells KitKat Chunky Peanut Butter! Not a huge achievement but considering I'd only found one shop in Bristol that sold them! Plus they are absolutely DIVINE yum! Oh dear, I'm addicted.

Only a few more days until I go away now. Only for the weekend really, but I'm sort of looking forward to getting away from Bristol. Actually having a drink in a pub where if there there is any politics, I'm not even close to being a part of it. Its gotten to the point where I don't actually miss The Bay Horse any more. There are two people angry with me. One I have no idea why, the other is annoyed because I was so drunk I forgot their name. A simple mistake rectified a few seconds later, not done to belittle or spite or embarrass anyone. I was just drunk! Thing is I just can't be bothered to try and apologise. The effort eludes me. So off to Brum I go... to shop and have a giggle!

Better...

2006-03-28T08:58:00.000-08:00

Feeling much better today, still a little bit achy and a few twinges but nonetheless fairly sound. Plus it wasn’t raining this morning so I didn’t get drenched coming into work. I think the flexi helped too.
I feel a lot more centred in myself as well. As soon as I’m completely better I plan to join the gym, just to get out and meet some people really. Do a few classes, get a bit fitter and tone up!

Strange things are happening...

2006-03-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

Some odd things are happeneing to me at the moment. I've slept very heavily the last two nights and I feel appauling.. like I've been smacked in the head with a phone book!

I had a fab weekend though...

Friday, got twisted drunk and had a real laugh, it was good to let my hair down.

Saturday, spent some time with some mates just chilling out down the pub and relaxed.

Sunday, worked in the local pub for a few hours and got a delicious free Sunday lunch, plus then I boringly sat and read for a while and then one of my mates came down and we had a really deep talk about loads of stuff...

All in all a good weekend

Better...

2006-03-27T08:58:00.000-08:00

Don't know why...

2006-03-24T09:13:00.000-08:00

No idea why but last night I had an awakening. I'm just glad I didn't actually wake up whilst this was happening. I had an odd dream, I saw myself from afar and I'm a bit obsessed really. Jesus its bordering on weird really, I'm too obsessed with men. I spend my life checking them out discreetly, giving them the eye and watching them. I’ve turned into a male hormone on legs. And now I have so many questions. What if I sit back and wait and nobody comes to me? I seem to attract needy guys who make me want to run a mile. Its weird its like I’ve reversed the social order in my life and I’m suddenly a commitment phobic lady attracting all these incredibly needy weaselling guys who want me to support them and look after them. All I want is an equal(ish) relationship where I can be myself without either scaring the other person off or making them depend on me for EVERYTHING!
While I’m at it that’s another thing… what’s with all these incredibly stupid women making things hard for us normal ones. A guy has bad experiences with some stupid uptight over dependant freak and they get twitchy. We’re not all mad psycho bitches from hell (unless you piss us off – in which case we have every right to be a bit annoyed)

Ok rant over
Ahhh!
The thought that maybe I’ve strayed from the original point of me being a man hungry hormone has not escaped me but I’m going to pro-actively put it right… by socialising as opposed to hunting, starting this evening!

Yesterday,,,

2006-03-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

After all the worrying yesterday wasn't too bad. All went well and I'm feeling much MUCH better now.

It gave me time to think, and I've come to the conclusion I need to work on my hormones (too much focus on the pursuit of a relationship) and relax and enjoy life.

In the evening my mates came down from Wales to visit, which was really nice! It was lovely to see them all and some added extras that we bumped into on their own night out. All in all not too bad a day.

A few things I will say are: they gave me some very spacey painkillers and I watched some really weird TV yesterday afternoon, hospital food isn't too bad, and I really should stop making a fuss about having needles stuck in me for the purposes of medical treatment!

Ok ok I'll write something!!

2006-03-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

Well just for starters a lot of odd stuff is going on right now. I’m feeling a little lonely but I’m praying that’s gonna change Friday as I have a date. He’s such a sweet guy and cute too…I hope things go ok.
Apart from that, I’ve got to go into hospital tomorrow after having been once already yesterday to take some tablets which made me all weird and spacey…

I’m really not looking forward to going in to be honest. I know I’ll probably be fine but they said I might have to stay in overnight and if I have to I’m buggered. It was hard enough for me to get one day off work. Another and I’d probably get in trouble. Plus there’s the actual reality of going into hospital. By the sounds of it I’m going to be bored rigid sitting around waiting for things to take effect then when they do it won’t be pleasant. At least they said there’s a quick recovery!

I’ll just have to focus on the end zone and forget about all the bad bits I guess.

Ick

2006-03-21T08:42:00.000-08:00

I feel very icky today....

Nowt to report but my tickly throat which is pissing me off. Grr

Shout out to anyone on Gods who is reading this.. sorry guys sweet f* all to say...

Friday, Saturday, Sunday...

2006-03-20T11:03:00.000-08:00

Friday:

Had the most awesome time with the crew down for the night. Got pretty drunk really but had a great laugh! Went to this place called Panache (not the best night out in Bris) cos I forgot my ID (CRAPCRAP) never mind... Plenty more times to be had out! Best news being.. I really enjoyed seeing some of the gang and managed to get over a few feelings I've been having. I mean what with the distance it was no use feeling the way I did cos it was just a crush and probably always will be. But, at least now I'm happy.

Saturday:

Worked all day, really long day. So tired I thought my head would burst, and my feet hurt so much I felt like I was walking on hot coals.. Will def. be wearing said spacca shoes to April 1st in Brum! Got one of theos funky clicker things like in the LYNX Click advert off a customer (bless) so I've been clicking... haven't got many so far - but I haven't been out much so far either...

Sunday:

I planned to wake up normal time and have a relaxed day. I woke at nine and had a shower... then sat on my bed to watch a dvd and next thing I know its five PM and I've been asleep all day! Never mind, I caught up on some sleep I guess!

All in all a fab weekend (apart from the working...)

Finally!!!

2006-03-17T08:57:00.000-08:00

They're coming down this evening.. I'm trying not to be excited cos it'll make the day drag!

Roll on this evening though.

One of my housemates is going back home today... long way away. It's gonna be odd without him really. Good job he's coming back!

Not much else to say really *sigh*

NEWSFLASH!!

2006-03-16T13:08:00.000-08:00

STOP PRESSES!
I just got my pics back from the photo shoot...

(not the best image quality but an example)

Now I just have to decide which ones out of the whole lot I like...

OH FOR TOMORROW!!

2006-03-16T10:50:00.000-08:00

I know... I'm wishing my life away and I shouldn't. I'm just looking forward to seeing my mates. It's gonna be a little weird I think, to have them in an environment I'm not used to seeing them in. Usually the dingy corners of the Newport nightclubs are more appropriate.

I'm not sure what the plan is but I know I want to take them to the bar with the glowing boxes - Cos I KNOW AP will like it there. Then off to The Bay - of course (lol) just for a cheap one (and some karioke!) and to meet the crew I guess. Then onto their choice of destinations. Maybe Fiesta Havana, then the Bierkeller maybe? Who knows?

Two days to go!

2006-03-15T09:12:00.000-08:00

Until my mates come to visit!! YEY!

Getting quite excited now!

I used some new hand cream this morning that smells of mango. Its really nice smelling but I'm slightly aware that I smell like a trifle. Could be worse I guess...

Guides tonight - Glad its only an hour and a half cos I'm shattered!! Totally ready for bed already! And its 9am!!

Ah well... Maybe a cup of coffee is in order...?

Cough.. cough..

2006-03-14T09:14:00.000-08:00

Feeling better today again.. I HOPE I get rid of this red nose by Friday... I don't want to look like rudolph!!

Today I will be mostly relaxing and trying not to stress. Oh.. and fixing my trousers. Working on work stuff obviously... But maybe looking for a new job... Not sure but it will have to pay more so I can find a place to live as well.. it's not that i don't like my job, I just want to take a look at whats out there.. see if I can't get something a little more ME. It probably won't amount to anything.. I'm just curious thats all.... anyway even if I do decide to go I've got to stay at least a month to work out my notice!

More to say now...

2006-03-13T12:49:00.000-08:00

After my winge over the weekend's crap activity. I'm done. It did actually occur to me over the weekend how much things have changed for me in the last months. Now I've managed to come full circle realising a crush I had has nvere gone away (how utterly cringeful - maybe?)

Elsewhere there have been changes in my attitude, personality and choices about relationships. I seem to attract nutters who simply won't let go... like the latest nutters. D. who is a lying creep who spends half his life in my regular, I've been nice, I've chatted to him, listened to his crap and nodded politely but he creeps me out. I've asked him nicely for a bit of space and what does he do.. follow me asking whats wrong or trying to find out if he's upset me and apologising... AAAGGGHHH! So the other day I lost my rag and he told me I was "A very strange girl"(how observant of him - jeeez its not rocket science!) and that I'd not many friends left in the pub (which is just plain rude - I know there are people in there who don't like me. They make it fairly clear that they don't like me. I'm not going anywhere; most of what they think of me is utter sh*t anyway) but how BLOODY RUDE of him to even go there. Anyway next time he's in he comes to apologise. I don't want to share the same airspace as the little toerag to be brutally honest. Rant over now. I know other people are on my side so I won't be cast out for being a bitch...

Oh the irony!

2006-03-13T08:43:00.000-08:00

When I said that I intended to spend the entire weekend in bed I meant languishing comfortably,

Not coughing like I had the plauge!

That's where I've been. I'm feeling better now.. Just looking forward to having the weekend to recover!

As I say I was in bed, so nothing happened at all.

*sigh*

Flow...

2006-03-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

I've decided to just go with the flow. I'm in no rush to start a relationship and I guess what I need is to just relax and stop worrying. I'm a calm sensible person and thats what I need to remember. Roll on the weekend mind.. I intend to spend the entire thing in bed!

More later when I'm awake...

Talky...

2006-03-08T10:52:00.000-08:00

Apologies to those of you who have expected something more than just a quick winge off me over the last few days.

Here goes:

I am aware at the moment I’m very confused. A lot of factors are adding to said confusion and it’s not helping. See I’m very aware I still like M.O. also I’m aware that there are others closer to hand who want my attentions. As much as I like the other closer guys, I know it will be a case of ‘You want what you cannot have’ which sucks. Also, the fact that I seem to be leading at least one party close by on seems to have had an effect on my feelings towards him. Everything was ok before the weekend, when I saw M.O. and the fun started. Now he’s coming to visit with (big big yey!) my oldest mate and his housemate. Thing is I know this and it’s affecting everything about my decisions. Nobody’s perfect I guess. I’ll have to just wait and see what happens…

Ummmph

2006-03-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

Ill today, even more so than yesterday. I feel rotten. My head’s all bunged up and my throat is sore... I feel truly minging…

Its getting worse too… I feel so truly awful…

Ick ick ick

Cold...

2006-03-07T08:53:00.000-08:00

I now have a cold... I feel crap and I need a hug...

Not much else to say really.

Meh

Long weekend!

2006-03-06T09:17:00.000-08:00

Had a lovely long weekend and now it's over..

Ah well it was fun! Saturday I had my photo shoot (sounds posh but not my usual bag - chirstmas present!) and the pics are amazing! Soon as they're ready I'm gonna get that cd thing with all of them and take sneaky looks just to feel good about how I look.

It was a real excercise in self love really. I spent an hour getting pampered and prened with makeup and hair stuff then they sorted all my clothes changes and started taking pics! It was fun too. Not embarassing or cringey, just fun. But the real eye opener for me was seeing the finished pictures... it really didn't look like me at all. I looked good I was a bit surprised at some things, like my stomach looking flat and my jaw not sticking out a mile. It took ages for me to choose my favourite, but we did and its REALLY cool!

Then I went home to Wales and saw all my mates. Fab evening, well fab because my mates were there.. bit odd being back home and I thought the music was too loud! (OH GOD!)
M.O. was out in force but he was upset, coupled with the fact I still have a thing for him (you know those people who just get under your skin - you'll always have a thing for them and it may never go away) but yes I'll admit, I still have a thing for him. Nothing would ever happen, however much he said I was a 'hottie' Saturday night I live too far away and either he'll be cut up by whats been going on with him lately or he'll sort it out and be back as he was before. Either way I'm not really bothered. Just happy someone called me a 'hottie'!!!

Sunday was a nice relaxed day. Saw my parents and had a lush cooked dinner! Then conked out on the sofa all afternoon! Now I'm back in Bristol again and I feel that something's shifting... Change is afoot, for the better!

Casino!

2006-03-03T23:50:00.000-08:00

Casino night this evening.. drunk far too much (no surprise there!) Had a fab night really and found out a few things I wasn't quite aware of before. I feel better for knowing them though.

I'll post a pic of my dress soon as a get a decent pic of it (one blurry one on my phone - not so good lol!)

*sigh* have much to do tomorrow and I've managed to skint myself totally out on one evening!! Thank God its Friday!

Guiding again...

2006-03-02T09:21:00.000-08:00

I started back at guides last night, a guide group in Keynsham to be specific.. It was actually less scary than I imagined originally. I have a few good ideas too! This is my new project now - instead of men. Sad as it may be I think I actually needed a physical barier to stop me focusing my life on men. How much more can you get than "Every Wednesday I can't hang out with you honey, I'm busy entertaining seventeen 12 to 14 year olds!"

Hehe, they're a lovely bunch though. A bit hyper but nicer than some of the other groups!

Only today left in work now, then I have tomorrow off for a lovely long weekend (hmm possibly NOT!!) Most likely to be a mental dash around the city (ies - Cardiff too on Saturday - Yey!) as I get myself sorted for various events that I carelessly planned all at once! GOT MY TICKET FOR CASINO NIGHT NOW! Even think I managed to sell a few more to newcomers to the city last night *very proud*

Very cold out this morning but as usual my mind was working triple time as I wandered along into work. I usually think very much like a writer first thing in the morning, if i ever actually became a writer (probably part time) I know in order to get creative juices flowing I'd have to make myself get up early and go for a walk. Not only are lots of people around in the space from 8am to about 9am but they are the ones that spend most of their days spirited away in offices and shops working their little hearts out; also another good thing is that I have a destination, I'll have to have one then too. Not sure why exactly but the idea of having somewhere that's not home as a goal may make my mind flow too. So I'll wander along, listening to my music and creating streams and torrents of words, prose and other such poetry in my mind then write it all down when I get to where I'm headed. The days when I think about what I'm going to write in here are usually the most productive blog days for me, as I write reams and reams down about what I've been thinking and decisions and conclusions I've reached about my life and where it may be headed.

Cool huh!

Dydd Dewi Sant!

2006-03-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

Happy St. David's day!

Its a very important day for me today. Its my patron saint, St David's Day! (click for some history)
I feel a bit sad not being in Wales for the first time ever on St David's Day, but I'm still very proud to be Welsh.

On a random note..

2006-03-01T08:33:00.000-08:00

Last night I had an odd thought. I'm feeling more myself than in ages. I don't really want to make any sort of effort to get in touvh with the fellas who I've been concerned with recently (not that there's a huge amount - two really, the marine and the supposed player) both of whom I haven't heard from since the weekend and both of whom, even though they may be good looking etc. are probably only going to turn into another notch lower on my self esteem... so why bother with the hassle eh?

As for RA shove him. I'd rather peel off my own skin and dip myself in vinegar than ever see him again (in the context of us actually having to talk) I am so angry with him. He gives some crappy little apology and then expects me to drop everything and traipse over to see him at stupid o'clock at night yesterday! I cannot believe I almost fell for it AGAIN! He's made a fool of me in front of my friends and then just dropped me, no contact and not even a sideways glance when he came into my regular haunt knowing perfectly well I'd be there! I don't care how much of my stuff he has, he can keep it. I'm better off without him.

You may think "Who's she trying to convince?" but the truth is I've spent so long thinking about it... I just needed a good old public rant!

Out of the blue...

2006-02-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

Randomly last night, R.A. text me. He's leaving Bristol and wants to speak to me before he goes. At first I thought he was being genuine. Then I twigged he was drunk... or worse.
*sigh*

On better notes I did some lovely pampering last night, did my legs and had a lovely shower and used all my new products (Body Shop mango YUM!!) so I'm smelling sweet and soft today!

Still need to get my ticket for Friday, but the best news in forever is the stress rash that has lived on my chest has gone thanks to some clever cream application. HOORAY! Now all thats left is getting some shoes and a necklace and sorting my makeup.

Gah, now all I need is to work out my rap on this sudden and random intrusion back into my life...

Backaround...

2006-02-27T11:23:00.000-08:00

Somebody said something on the weekend that took me by surprise...

That on that particular evening I was more like the person I was when I moved ehre than ever.
I hadn't even noticed a change but then I was just being me for a change. I'm still not entirely there. I've not had the best two or so weeks but I feel like I'm getting somewhere. Another thing occurred to me as well. I spend FAR TOO LONG worrying and/or focusing my time on men. I've actually become men obsessed. How sad. I won't blame anything but It's made me realise just how much of my time I spend focused on men. I watch too much 'Sex and the City' and I spend too long LOOKING for Mr Right (or even worse Mr Right Now) I'm putting a stop to it right now. No more getting trashed, I'll still drink but I won't get drunk. A few SLOW drinks during the evening (another of my issues, drinking too fast!) I think I'm over the final bump in the road and now its just a coast to the finish line. I know I still have to prove to myself and others I've changed but thats just a case of being myself, that hardest bit is done, I needed one more bop in the conscience. Which I got. Now I'm determined to start being myself and chilling out and finding a new project besides men! But I'm already there on that one... Going to guides on Wednesday!
All in all a bit of a mad weekend.. But good.

Frustration!

2006-02-24T08:55:00.000-08:00

No system in work again today...

Got a bit random last night... ended up with some of the Bay Horse crew in a little pub somewhere in Bristol..

Singing tonight (maybe I should look for a costume to dress up in...???)

Maybe not...

BAH! Boredom!

2006-02-23T09:03:00.000-08:00

The most exciting thing that happened last night was a rather funny likeness on tv. I'm so bored and DYING for the weekend... I'll be skint but I can live with that, never know, I might get paid early like last month.. (heres hoping!)

Meanwhile I have been mostly painting my nails black again, washing my hair and tring on my dress for Casino Night! He he he!

I've discovered I may need some shorter heels and I'm gonna need a stole (maybe) and that I truly hate my boobs. I also need a new necklace.. a funky silver fanning out one if possible.

Apart from that, nowt to report!

Sunrise sunset…

2006-02-22T08:55:00.000-08:00

The end of one thing and the start of another; I’ve to be honest though the whole 'end' was a bit of a surprise… I wasn’t even aware it had started! I had made it clear several times I wasn't ready for it to start!)

Its odd to think that whilst I was still snuggled in bed this morning (although weirdly enough I woke up at 6am) down in another part of the U.K. people were jumping around on a ship practising for the real thing… very odd I woke at six really.

On another note there was a HUGE cockroach in the kitchen last night EWWWW! Aside from that, fairly uneventful night… roll on the rest of today!

Soooo cold....

2006-02-21T14:41:00.000-08:00

Very cold in the office today... not nice at all.

I've tried turning off the tubey thing over my head that gives off a cold breeze but its not working. BRRRRRR!!!

Nastiness!!

2006-02-21T09:37:00.000-08:00

Battling through the wind this morning… I was wondering why on earth I didn’t catch the bus. I thought my fingers were going to freeze off!

On a lighter note, I had a freak-out last night… not the usual though... there was a cockroach in my BED! Nasty little bugger crawled over my foot…and I leapt about fifty foot in the air!
EWWWWWWWW! Got it with the raid though… then I HAD to shower and change my sheets – ick!

More news later!

Almost there...

2006-02-20T09:26:00.000-08:00

Bit of a random weekend… Nice though

I guess this whole getting my head straight thing wasn’t ever going to be an overnight job. There will always be times when I feel less strong. There will be times when I ‘skit out’ hehe. I got a chance to talk to a few faces from the recent past. Saturday, it was surreal but nice and a little step closer to sanity. I feel like I’m close, just able to reach out and wiggle my fingers within centimetres.

Of course I feel bad because someone tried to make a play for me. Someone who I’d never have thought would be interested. But I chickened out when I bumped into a friend of a friend who knew my friends in foreign climes. It was nice to hear they were well and relatively safe.

Truthfully though, at the end of the day… I just want some time to myself. Time to just think about number one; recover from so much successive relationship-type emotion. I don’t want to have to worry about another person’s feelings. I want to just be single. It’s selfish but I REALLY need this.

Randomly, this fella who knew my mates also turned out to be quite the charming sweetie. He’s a bit younger than me but cute as hell and teetotal, which after recent experience has taught me is a fabulous thing. Plus he’s away so I don’t have to worry about misbehaving too much – not that I do, just the usual odd bit of randomness.

So, a nice weekend rounded off Sunday with a whole day of sheer laziness where I left the bed only to answer the call of nature and cook food.

Tum ti tum

2006-02-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

It's Friday once more and every week I feel the same recently especially this one...

Time has just zoomed by and things are rolling along towards something... no idea what mind!

Slept like the dead last night and I'm so glad I've tidied my room but now I potter around doing things like last night I sorted through some of my drawers and found some old beads.. now I want to re-make the necklace they broke off and I now want to find some more beads in Bristol and fix it!

Incorrigible!

More newness

2006-02-16T09:35:00.000-08:00

In the form of new hair style! ** See my profile at the side of the page**

Not much else to say.. very tired.

Nasty bastard cockroach in my room last night so I went into a frenzy of tidying and freaked out cos I thought it had jumped on me at one point. Reminded me of the time i was staying at my fella's house and a spider crawles from under the pillow under the duvet next to me and i jumped up but couldn't scream cos it was 1am and everyone was asleep! I was being very quiet last night and trying to silently crush the nasty little creature!

Freaked myself out this morning too cos I felt a prickling on my leg but it was just an old nail clipping - thank god!

Better than expected..

2006-02-15T08:38:00.000-08:00

Well ok in the end the dreaded hallmark day went better than expected. Ended up making some new friends, which was cool.

Not feeling hugely great today...

My own fault...

Never mind eh!

Newness!!

2006-02-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

New hair today:

Its the dreaded day, and so far I've had a misleading horoscope that promises romance (it would take a miracle right now) and my boss has asked me if I was swamped by cards. Of course there's not a one. Might be later on this evening - yeah right!

Its not like I really care it just would have been nice maybe even to get a jokey one off a mate or something. No chance off M or A or R.A.

How rubbish. Bloody Hallmark spreading their evil crap over the planet making us get all het up over one stupid day. GRRR!

I'd just like to make it clear however I'm not upset. Just angry with Hallmark and their globalism!

Anything but ordinary

2006-02-13T09:10:00.000-08:00

I did it again. I lost sight of me for a man. I forget who I really am cos I’m afraid I’ll scare them and end up freaking them out even more. It has to stop. I have to be myself and find someone who likes me for me. Someone who gets me, because I’m not just another girl. I’m special – in more ways than one! I’m unusual and unique and just a little bit odd. R.A. might have understood that but he was never quite there.
I was almost there with R.A., but he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Ah well plenty of time. I’ll cook myself a nice meal tomorrow and buy something wickedly chocolaty for dessert. Spend time with the girls.

Meanwhile elsewhere I also forgot in the dirty great month long pause in my life to actually get some research done on starting up my group. I need to talk to a few people and get some helpers so I’m not on my own. I know I can do it but its still a little bit scary.

BIG NEWS!
My best and oldest mate is coming down from Wales soon with some of my other mates in tow maybe too! This will be just fabulous, cos I miss them all!
So there we go. New sights to be set and new goals to focus on… roll on this evening cos I want to have a spring clean!

Friday friday!

2006-02-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

WOO HOOO!! Its friday and I get a lie in tomorrow!

Mucho happio! I've to work Saturday afternoon but its only till 8 then I'm free. I don't rightly know if I'm seeing R.A. this weekend. He might be going away.. he might not.

I guess I may just have to wait till Valentine's day (oh god)

Aha!

2006-02-09T09:39:00.000-08:00

I guess maybe I don't have to be too worried for a while. About R.A. that is. Meanwhile I feel about as attractive as a bag of spanners and I keep having these awful nightmares. I've got to stop cos I can't sleep...

Maybe I should get some Nytol or something... Or stop eating dairy before bed.

Also in unrelated news my dress is still awol but it may be delivered today (yey) I am on tenterhooks waiting for it now. Very exciting!

And so it begins...

2006-02-08T09:15:00.000-08:00

Yep I can feel it...

Its beginning. As much as I didn't want it to. I really like R.A. I really do. Damn, now he might be moving away and I want to say "No don't go. I want you to stay!" but I can't say that. I don't want to seem clingy... or worse scare him off! In my heart of hearts I know if he left I'd be heartbroken, cos I'm getting attached to him. His little quirks and habits, he's so sweet and he seems so into me. Thing is I have to let him go, not only cos I don't think he'll stay just for me but because I have to let him spread his wings (not my term)

Apart from that life's pretty dull. In work now... roll on the evening!

Plug plug plug...

2006-02-07T10:04:00.000-08:00

If only it could be this weekend.. Well sort of anyway. I know, I'm wishing my life away... blah blah... I just want a lie in!!

Nice evening yesterday, spent the evening chilling with R.A. watching films and he cooked for me too (bless)

I want my dress now... bought a new one for special occasions.
Any day now...

Meh we lost

2006-02-06T09:49:00.000-08:00

What a pile...

Still damn proud to be Welsh.

Nowt much else happened. Got some new dvd's Sunday, watched most of them.

I've realised I need to get my ass out of this rut though. Something must be done!

The tension's mounting...

2006-02-03T09:44:00.000-08:00

I have to say my life right now is so random. One second I’m with R.A. and life’s quite nice. Then I’m with my housemates and it’s easygoing and relaxed. But work’s getting my knickers in a twist. I try but it just doesn’t seem quite enough. I’ve got to pull the stops out. I can’t give up yet.

Meanwhile… R.A. has been AWOL until yesterday evening but called me up pretty eager to see me so I spent the evening round his.

Wales v England tomorrow in the rugby. Absolutely dying for Wales to at least play well if not win… I really hope that after the grand slam victory of last year we can show the rest of the six nations we’re coming back as opposed to peaking in a brief moment of glory… so here goes:

CYMRU AM BITH!

Bleh

2006-02-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

I feel absolutely foul today. No idea why I’m in work. I must have been in the loo examining the U-bend more than at my desk.

I miss R.A. too, I haven’t seen him since Sunday and I guess it would be nice just to see him for a while.

Meanwhile, here I am… feeling like hell.

Isn't it ironic...

2006-02-01T09:15:00.000-08:00

Bit of a random day yesterday, what with the weird stuff going on in my stomach and all that. They put a camera down my throat, to see if my stomach was ill. Good news is, it's not anything like an ulcer or a polyp so now they're checking for allergies. HMM!

No word from R.A. all quiet on that front really. I guess he's probably busy with work and that. And not hugely impressed with my performance over the weekend.

Apart from that, I still feel a bit shaky and wibbly. Meh!

My goal for the week is to finally break the bloody chain I've tied around myself connecting me to my relationship with R.A. constantly watching the phone waiting for him to phone is going to drive me mad. Ok so I'd like to point out to him that even though he may be busy during the week, the odd text message to touch base won't take too much of his time. I'm not bothered when, just maybe once, twice a day would be nice.

Oh no... Not again!

2006-01-30T12:47:00.000-08:00

Another fairly quiet weekend. Just chilling with my fella. Watched a few DVD's, cuddled and kissed a lot *MMM*

All in all a nice weekend.

But now another month's almost gone... Cripes. I'll have to get my nice dress sent down to wear for Casino Night, and its Valentine's day! (secretly thinking ohgodohgod - with about a MILLION what-if's spinning round my head)

Was a bit of a numpty forgetting my bag this morning, and getting R.A. out of bed again for it. Sure he'll laugh about it when he's more awake (it was quite funny really)

My mates from the green grass of home will be visiting this weekend (hopefully) so there's something to look forward to... Just need to sort rooms for them now and that...

Not much more to say really. Apart from what I say every Monday:

Roll on the weekend!

OH GOD....

2006-01-27T14:12:00.000-08:00

I feel so sick...

I feel so sick...

I feel so sick...

Ugh

2006-01-27T09:02:00.000-08:00

After yesterday’s spectacular failure to please, I’m still feeling very green around the gills. Although the ginger nut biscuits I bought this morning are helping. I heard off B.D. (hehe – lol) which was nice, and got a chance to chill with one of my housemates before she goes – not that there was much chilling for me as my stomach was churning something chronic.

All in all a quiet day. Important stuff today though, one of the really important bosses is down on some sort of visit. It’s not a huge deal for us admin people but I don’t want to stick my foot in it. I’m even dressed really smart for a change! So here I am, sat with my ginger biscuits and looking hard at work…

BRRRRR

2006-01-26T11:45:00.000-08:00

I'm really cold!! Sat in the office and I swear theres an Arctic island nestled in the air con over my head. I've a cold draft going down my back!!

Keep on pluggin'

2006-01-26T10:04:00.000-08:00

Ok so I was blatantly a bit on edge at times last night. I just suddenly became very aware of myself. I haven't stayed over R.A's for a while and I didn't wanna alienate him or anything. I think he was pleased with the results though...
Hehe!!

Anyway on another note... its Thursday! WOO WOOO!! You know what that means... One more day till the weekend and one more day till I can chill! No work and nowt else to do and I plan on thoroughly enjoying it! I've a pint left that was bought for me behind the bar in The Bay and all is well with R.A. (or as he may now be known B.D. Yeah, I know, I'm a creep!) and the world of Me (plus as an added bonus: I get paid Monday, I want to go ice skating soon!!)

AHHHH

2006-01-25T14:15:00.000-08:00

So very relaxed... Just had a lovely massage. I know I sometimes moan about my job but we do get a masseuse in every fortnight. I had my first go today... It was a bit wierd, the chair I had to perch on was so scary I almost chickened out right there and then! I'm glad I didn't though, it was very calming and stuff. Oh boy don't I need it after the week I've had so far.

I was also trying to remember stuff to do R.A. later maybe...

Wandering aimlessly

2006-01-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

Went for a wander last night with my housemate... I feel much better about all my stress yesterday. My counsellor reckons the reason why I got so wound up is because I got in too emotionally deep too quickly... Not totally through fault of my own, there was encouragement too. But it's in the past now. All is well once more in the land of me.

Brief meltdowns are to be expected... apparently.

Today I am mostly wearing warm stuff as it is increasingly cold outside. My big blue booots are in evidence and are warming me nicely. In a funny mood today... Roll on this evening... maybe

All alone

2006-01-24T15:36:00.000-08:00

In the office.. Feeling a bit manky...

Might go get some fresh air in a bit...

Its becoming apparrent

2006-01-24T08:57:00.000-08:00

I don't wanna be in work today. I want to be at home in front of daytime TV hiding from everyone. Feeling mighty pissy for no reason whatsoever.

DAMNIT!

Monday monday...

2006-01-23T09:08:00.000-08:00

After another boring-ish weekend I’m glad I’m not still feeling sick. Very glad! I started feeling crappy in work on Saturday evening. Then I was actually ill. ICK-NESS. So I went home feeling appalling and stayed in bed pretty much all day Sunday. I didn’t rise until evening. I’m still feeling a little shaky but I’m mostly just glad its not a hospital bug (not that there’s anything to worry about on that front… its very safe where I work, but you do think about it)

I’m ready for a new start now. A new week… Tra la la! So bring on the world – I plan on tidying my room this evening. Maybe in the vague hope that R.A. will come visit (ostensibly to see my great view... Lol) also so I can finally get the damn flashy light bulb changed because it’s driving me around the bend (plus I need a project to 86 the boredom!!) I really want to go see this light show thing that’s starting Friday too. It looks really interesting… (See more @ http://www.blackoutarts.co.uk/blackout/current_projects.htm) also I want to go ice skating... What with one thing and another I haven’t been for ages, I might even make it into a date for me and R.A!

So as usual for a Monday morning… ROLL ON FRIDAY!

Its a beautiful day...

2006-01-20T09:42:00.000-08:00

It’s a fresh crisp morning and the whole world seems to be clean again after the greyness that has hung over us the last week or so. I have to be honest though, I didn’t even notice it until it had gone! Too caught up with all the nice stuff happening.

Last night was nice, popped down The Bay for a pint, then went back to mine for a pamper and preen before going to R.A’s for a snuggle. Only halfway through getting ready I get the message ‘The snooker’s running on can you meet us in Riley’s?’
So I power my way up Park Street and to Riley's then watch him play snooker for a while. Such a nice evening, got take out on the way home then sat and watched some DVD’s. I like him so much…

Now this morning, I’m revived (although I may need a coffee) and ready to face the day. Its Friday so all my wishes have come true (them being “I wish it was Friday, I wish it was Friday, I wish it was Friday!”) The sky is clear and blue, the rain during the night washed away all the grey and the sun is shining and sparkling off everything.

All I need now is a bite to eat and a nice black coffee!

Oh for tonight...

2006-01-19T15:19:00.000-08:00

I want it to be later!! Ok admittedly it 2.30 already and I'm plugging through the day with aplomb, but it's still dragging a bit and I wanna go chill...

Nice lunch, got myself a new shirt...

Gonna shoot home, wash my hair and go to R.A's with some DVD's to watch.

Only one more day...

2006-01-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

…Till Friday. It’s Friday tomorrow and I cannot wait. I really want to go to R.A’s now and snuggle up to him. Or more accurately nurse him back to health as I think he’s coming down with something ( I think I am too but we’ll deal with that when it happens) meanwhile I’m gonna fend it off with medicine and lots of orange juice! Also, I’m still glad to say I have a boyfriend… a sweet kind guy who’s gorgeous (very nice chest!!)

I wish I could say there was more to say but there’s not… So I’ll check in later…

Sheer meanness..

2006-01-18T20:37:00.000-08:00

Had today off work. I felt so tired last night when I'd done with work that I just collapsed straight into R.A's arms and zonked. Got up this morning however and I had such a bad headache I felt sick. Even ringing in sick was bad cos my head was pounding and with every sound above a whisper my head throbbed like it was shrinking fast. Mean, mean headache.
I slept after taking some tablets, for most of the day. At some point R.A. referred to me as his girlfriend that was nice, lifted me a bit... So now I’m still feeling pretty crap, and I’m off to bed. Roll on Friday…

Not alone...

2006-01-17T10:06:00.000-08:00

In everyone’s life there are moments of insecurity, panic, doubt. I’ve learned it is better to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. I had a panic last night. I felt very insecure. But then I took a look at the bigger picture. I cannot believe I almost messed everything up because I panicked. It’s ok now, all is well. I’m meeting R.A. for lunch (yey)

Not much else happened yesterday. Worked a bit, did some pint pulling in my other job… Oh! I got bought two drinks, that was quite cool! Just generally a quiet day…

More news later...

Bouncing around

2006-01-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

I’ve just had a very odd weekend... I spent Friday evening having a drink with R.A. who turned into more than I bargained for and I had my first movie type kiss moment. He left and it was clear he didn’t want the date to end… I ran after him and just grabbed him and kissed him. *SIGH*
Then I had a fab evening with some other mates, and then went back to R.A’s and we talked all night. Just talked, it was so nice and really sweet.
Next day I spent all day watching Friends and chilling, until it was time to meet some mates for a drink. Sunday was nice too...

I am really happy about the whole R.A. situation, ok it was weird how it came about but I’m happy and he’s asked me if I’m happy… he’s so sweet.

So, tra la la…

EEE EEE EEE!!!!

2006-01-13T03:07:00.000-08:00

Yep, it’s official… ITS FRIDAY PEOPLE!!!!

Friday 13th to be precise. I was born on Friday 13th (hence why I want the tattoo done of a 13 on my person somewhere – I’m pretty sure on my back but I may change my mind…) the weekend starts here and I’m DYING to leave work toddle home and get ready to meet my mate for a drink this evening.

More news later – after I’ve eaten… (actually no more news cos the rest of the day was boring... off out for a drink now)

An Emo???

2006-01-12T23:42:00.000-08:00

I’ve somehow managed to get myself in a knot again. Not a bad one but it seems I’ve managed to develop a crush on a local nightclub owner. It hit me last night, whilst chatting to him, now I like him and it’s not going to go away. I’ll end up getting squiffy and admitting it to him… why do I always end up getting crushes on the most random people! Like there was this other fella last night, he was cute and totally came on to me, then wandered away about 5 feet and snogged some other bird! With that it was easy come easy go though… I’ve been with enough fuckwits thank you very much. As for the rest of the evening; ended up with some random Welsh people, which was nice in this indie place. No idea what it was called… but I was OUTRAGED when they wouldn’t play the song I asked for, and some fella with a stupid haircut and lots of piercing told me that “Emo’s belonged next door” I stood a little stunned and confused - all i wanted was a bit of My Chemical Romance or Nirvana. But, I wasn’t about to admit I didn’t actually know what an Emo was… no way! I asked one of the barmen, who laughed at me (making me feel about thirty!) and said I wasn’t a hardcore indie, I was too afraid to like all the heavy music; I liked ‘indie lite’. Fair enough – personally if I’d been feeling brave I would have asked him to play some Busted (he he he)

So I’m an Emo, apparently. I don’t like all this labelling, its too claustrophobic for me to be pigeon holed… although it would appear I’m not as young as I used to be…

But honestly people... does this look anything like me??? (I'm aware I share certain characteristics but I'm just me - and I wear too much pink!)

The day that sneaked away

2006-01-11T20:24:00.000-08:00

Not really sure what happened to today. One second it was there, I was working away, next thing I know I’m lying in bed dozing off and watching Family Guy. Didn’t even end up going out! Never mind - saved myself some dosh anyway!

I know what I have to do this weekend, but I’m still a little apprehensive to ACTUALLY do it. I know, I’m being a wuss and I really just need to bite the bullet and admit I was very wrong. I’m actually embarrassed of how nervous I am of it. Not like me at all.

Got some more shifts to work in The Bay as well – I was half asleep when M called though so I’ll have to check in today and see when I’m working. I know definitely Saturday, but there’s another day during the week and I can’t remember for the life of me! I’m aware I’ll be laughed at for this but I’m sure I managed not to sound like I’d been asleep when he called at 7 o’clock-ish and I was snoozing!

Also had a weird moment at lunchtime when I was wandering with my Newport ex I saw what I thought was an older ex on one of the TV screens in the Mall. It wasn’t him but it looked so much like him… if it had have been him I’d have laughed almost as much as when I found out who it was and why they were in the TV. It was some fella called Scharmer who had helped whoop Arsenal’s ass in some football match… not my ex. Phew!

In other news I’ve lost weight, nothing major… but I’ve dropped my Christmas weight! Hurrah! I wasn’t even trying to loose weight. All that calorie counting and watching what you eat… it would get me down too much. I’m a great believer in happy eating NOT watchful eating. Ok I eat a lot of crap so when I find out I’ve lost weight it’s always a surprise but I never set out to loose weight.

So all in all a good day. Hope tomorrow goes as fast… I’m off to karaoke!

I need some sleep..

2006-01-10T23:44:00.000-08:00

Weird day today. As I sit here alone in my room with my pizza, I’m glad about what’s gone on today. I feel a little bit more whole. Still got a way to go but I’m closer every day. Fab evening, spent it with one of my newer mates who entertained me and we had a fab chat.

Didn’t win the pub quiz (again – I thought I did quite well too!) but I did win one of the spot prizes! WOOHOO!)

Overall I feel very relaxed… unfortunately not relaxed enough to sleep - having problems there…

Call on me

2006-01-09T21:46:00.000-08:00

I am the sort of person who can compartmentalise my life (notice that the word ‘mental’ is contained within that word…!) Therefore I don’t mind being the friendly ear. Today I’ve been a friendly ear to lots of people - my housemates, my mates and my mum. All wanted my advice and it made me stop and think what it is about me that makes me a good listener.

I suppose it may be all the professional experience I’ve had of late but how does that explain how I was always the listener in high school too. Long before I gained my cynicism and lost my rose tinted specs.
We all know that as life goes on it gets harder, but with this does it make some of us less able to deal with things on our own? I know I’ve had issues, but as it turns out they weren’t as deep seated as I thought they were. And breakthroughs have been made. I still need to get rid of the residual anger I have, but on the whole I’m a well rounded individual. Almost normal (admit it I’ll always have my slightly odd personality)

I’ve also wondered about my flirting, admittedly it’s caused me problems in the past but my counsellor has said that my flirting is a result of my good natured honesty. The reason I have problems is because women feel threatened by my honesty and openness, some of my mates have asked me how I do it, admittedly I’m not the most attractive person, but I still manage to know men who are very attractive. I always say the same thing:

All you have to do is be yourself. Be honest open and friendly, it’s not a war. And don’t play games – men either won’t get them or will take them at face value. For example: if you play hard to get with a man, he’ll think you’re not interested.

So there we have it. My thoughts for today. Not much going on in work, just the usual daily grind…

Deck the weekend...

2006-01-08T22:14:00.000-08:00

Really quite a long feeling weekend... After going out Friday night (Much fun!!) And waking the next day to go to the bank... I had a bit of a rollercoaster. It felt like Sunday on Saturday and I was glad to run into one of my housemates on the way to the bank. We had a good old catch up and wander around the shops. Very relaxing.

Then on Sunday I went back to Wales to visit My parents and that was lovely. I got all my belated xmas presents and the nicest Sunday lunch ever!!

Ok I burnt my mouth on the turkey but it was still gorgeous!!

Now I'm facing a new week and new stuff to experience...

Oh lord...

First date...

2006-01-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

Yipes! Had my first date with the Pizza Boy (just a name he isn't actually a pizza boy - I met him in a pizza shop!) It was ok, got a little drunk, but I dont think its going to work out... I'm exausted now mind you. He's just not quite what I look for, I need a bit of a joker who gets that I'm a few sandwiches short of a picnic. But it's very weird, suddenly I'm vaugely in demand! I'm not big-headed but seriously, since I swore off serious relationships, I've had quite a few offers! I have no idea why.. must be a mass breakout from the local loony bin!!

I've discovered black coffee is much nicer than coffee with milk in.. I could drink it (and will drink it) a lot more. YUM!

I really want to sleep but I've to go drinking with A's ex fella and hopefully not get too drunk and do something silly... (I WONT LET MYSELF - even if she has given me her (very over zealous!) blessing) It's weird cos he's turned into a really good mate. From the first time we met we clicked and its nice thet way it is.

And for those of you who know me who are reading - I'm tired cos I didn't sleep. I SLEPT ALONE and there was no naked type fun at all (sadly - but I'm not ready to go there yet!)

Thank god its Friday...

Roll on...

2006-01-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

What a day... had a bit of a scuffle this morning, performance reviews!!! Then nothing. Just a long quiet afternoon of work. I didn’t even go on nu-gen! it was really odd, like I’d been away for a long time and suddenly I was back. Things are clicking into place for me. I didn’t say before cos I didn’t want to curse it but… I have a date tomorrow!! It’s someone new, who I haven’t met before. Not a blind date, I only met him the other day, in a pizza shop, away from The Bay Horse. He’s very cute and he seems to like me too. I’m meeting up with him for a drink. Ok we’re meeting in The Bay Horse but I plan to move him along to somewhere else as soon as I can… I’ve no idea what to wear though…

The oddest dream...

2006-01-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

I had the oddest dream last night. I dreamt that I was in work and my ex was a doctor and kept coming in giving me blank clipboards and leaving...

It was odd...

Nowt much happening today in work.. just chilling and waiting for the end of the day...

Later that evening...

2006-01-02T23:53:00.000-08:00

Someone very sweet reminded me of something today. I need to be myself. I’ve realised that life is what you make of it and that it’s only ever as wonderful as you make it yourself. I’ve been blessed with another day and every extra day is another blessing. I’m so glad I’m here. I’ve made mistakes but I am truly sorry. I’m letting go of the past and grabbing hold of my bright new future…

Changes and revelations...

2006-01-02T23:33:00.000-08:00

Cripes I have to admit, the last thing I thought I’d be doing if you’d asked me this time last year was working in a bar! But yes as of today I am a trainee in my regular pub (and thank God considering the amount I spend in there, maybe it will help me cut back – hopefully!!) Also it has come to my attention that certain people framed me last year. Certain people lied and only a few people will ever know the truth. But in accordance with my new year’s resolutions I’m going to drop it. I simply don’t have the energy to try any more. Instead I am DYING to get started on my new projects…

Ok, New Year’s resolutions:
1. Be careful who I let into my life
2. Stay single (well at lest for a while)
3. Live for the moment
4. Keep trying to find the positive in each day
5. Try and shop for the week/month (get a fridge)
6. Start my new project and stick with it until it succeeds

7. Leave the past in the past – Better best forgotten I will apologise one last time and then that's it:

I am truly sorry to the people I've upset. I never meant anything maliciously and I never set out to hurt anyone. Mistakes were my fault but through naivety as opposed to spite. I never meant any of what happened to happen I'm not a bad person.

There, no more apologising for the past. Time to look to the future...

Roll on Friday!!

New Year fun and games

2006-01-01T22:35:00.000-08:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about what to write for this, my first post of the New Year. May I first just say happy New Year, may it be prosperous and interesting. May it be better than the last attempt. I spent the last night of 2005 with the old crowd. The final night of my life where I behaved like a child.

Now its time I grew up.

I’ve spent so long trying to work out how I fit into this life I currently lead and its finally slotted into place. The people I have met since I moved to Bristol have changed me and I’ll never regret meeting any of them. I know for a fact they are still mightily pissed off with me. But forgiveness, like so many things in life is something that is up to the individual. The true test of a person’s faith in you is their ability to move on. Things have changed for everyone and I am going to see the changes in my life as a positive thing. I’m not one hundred percent happy but if things weren’t meant to be then you can’t force them to be. There are new things happening and new directions for me to walk in. it will be a parallel line to the line I was walking, I’ll still visit my local and still associate with whoever is willing to say hello. I have no energy left to force relationships. In my family life things aren’t fabulous but they are holding together and if we can just hold out until the end of January then things should improve. My parents are well and hanging in there, my sisters are turning into well-rounded young women and my extended family are milling around as usual. My grandmother’s not great. I think from here on in I will have to accept that things aren’t going to get much better.
I’ve sat for a whole day mulling over the events of this year. I’ve come a long way. I’ve come from Newport, my birthplace and home, living alone for the first time in my own flat, a job with the court service. Come through a job with an industrial company being paid well for doing the hardest job I’ve ever done. I’ve experienced bullying in work and overcome it. Met a boyfriend, moved to a different country to be with him. Lost him and then found a new one in the same week, lost him and made some huge mistakes that I’m not proud of and will always be ashamed of. Made things worse and then got help. I’ve come to a place where I was numb. Then I laid low and disappeared. I came back to be welcomed by some of the people I never thought would miss me and come to recognise true friendship. I’ve come so far and 2005 will be a testament to how random my life can be.

I know this isn’t it for me though. I’m 21 after all; this is where the fun begins. I have been building up a few pipe dreams that I’m hoping can be realised very soon. With the help of my friends and some old knowledge, I’m hoping to start a theatre group. It’s going to take a lot of work but I have plenty of time and lots of ideas. I know I can make a go of this because it is my true passion. Its something I’ve wanted to do since I was 14. Probably even longer! It’s going to take some work and a lot of time but I think I need a project. Something to get me away from all the bloody alcohol! Not that I’m an alcoholic, just spending your time with your mates down the pub after work can get you into the habit of drinking fairly regularly and drinking pop all the time gives me a bad stomach.

I’m ready to move on and accept a new start.

Elvis has entered the building...

2005-12-29T11:08:00.000-08:00

Its that time of year again.. the lull after Xmas and before New Year when there's a sort of gap where normal services aren't quite resumed but things seem normal. Right now i'm coiled like a spring just waiting for something to go wrong. My counsellor said its just a comedown from drinking so much so here's hoping!

In other news yesterday was SO MANIC! I ended up sat at my desk with the office tin of chocolates and my music playing. Not so unusual but I'm never allowed my music on, nobody questioned me cos I was practically hiding under my desk rocking with a glazed look on my face...

Had a nice time after work chilling with the A and crew. One last evening of the altered reality I'd come to enjoy. Now its a case of me holding my breath and praying that forgiveness is forthcoming and I can relax. I had a weird dream about it last night: I was in a supermarket at the till paying and someone leaned on my shoulder, I don't know why but I didn't look straight away cos I thought they were someone else (no idea who) then they started singing and I looked and it was *****, she said "Hello stranger!" and gave me a hug, then I looked around and one of my old mates from high school who I broke freinds with AGES ago was stood behind me with a skateboard thing...

Weird! I hope it means that people I've pissed off are ready to forgive me. I've had some very hard decisions to make recently and I KNOW I chose right (well apart from the wanker moment which I was only joking about and I was drunk and I truly didn't mean it... Why would I call the person who I made a fool of and then subsequently have fallen in love with a wanker and mean it... I mean really!!) Yep by the way that's true.. after everything that's happened I've managed to fall in love with the person least likely to ever love me back. I know it will heal one day, and I've talked it through with my counsellor, he says if there is no chance of us getting back together then I'll just have to leave it, talk through and feelings with him and let go. It breaks my heart because I know to make things right I'd only have to erase one thing. One stupid moment and one wrong choice. No point in wishing for what could have been though, I have to be strong and concentrate on other things... so even if outwardly it may look like I'm back to my normal single flirty self, inside, at least for a bit... I'll still be thinking of him constantly and trying my best to focus on the happy times. I know I can do this and I know now I have people around who will help.

Honey I'm home!

2005-12-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been away for so long!!

I’ve had an amazing holiday, it’s been a real rollercoaster but I survived. It all started when I decided to walk back into the bay horse last weekend. The first thing that happened was that things changed… there are new staff and the boss has changed. And the first thing he said was: “Hello stranger, where have you been? We’ve missed you” it meant so much to me that someone had missed me I stayed. Since that fateful day I’ve spent most days down the bay and will continue to. As my new friend is the amazing A and she’s fab. I met her and immediately fell for her (in a friends way) she’s so much like me and oddly I don’t worry about her hearing about what’s happened before because I know she won’t judge me. We’ve had time to bond (Hehe in so many ways!!) and now all I want to do is spend time with her… ok, so she’s just got a new happy but I cannot wait for the future. She’s become alive since she got her happy; I’ve become alive since I met her. I thought that all I had to look forward to was feeling awkward and standing to the side when things went back to normal after Christmas (and they have been anything BUT normal!!) but now I have this sparkly new furore of fun and friendship.

On the subject of things being different over Christmas a lot of things have. For a start I’ve learnt more about myself. I’ve had some mad, bad and crazy nights out and I’ve gotten to know people better. I’ve been up and down and seen the maddest things. The best time has been had by me and I’m so glad that things have panned out the way they did. It’s been like normal services were suspended and for a while I could be who I used to be. Without causing any trouble and without worrying. Now there are things to worry about but I WONT LET MYSELF. I mean it the final traces of mental me were wiped out over Xmas by the good times and good people. I’ve peeled people off the floor, snogged lez stylee and been drunk every night for a week!
I’ve made some awesome new mates and let go of some people I thought I fancied, It’s been an enlightening experience! This might be the first time in ages I’m looking forward to the New Year!!

OH MY GOD I ALMOST FORGOT!!

2005-12-19T16:58:00.000-08:00

God knows how I almost forgot this most important bit of info...

I got a kiss under the mistletoe.. from the guy I like. Ok it didn't mean exactly what I wanted it to. He was just 'showing how it was done'

I couldn't stop shaking afterwards...

***swoon***

Long weekend...

2005-12-19T09:28:00.000-08:00

What a weekend... Friday night will never be talked about. I wish I remembered less of it. Basically bad things happened and I ended up twisted drunk. I had to do the bad thing I did. It was awful though. I feel slightly numb. After that I spent Saturday in the pub and slept most of Sunday. I’m glad to be back at work!!! Well sort of... it’s my last day before my booked time off! Ah well…

More news later…

Ahhh!

2005-12-16T09:29:00.000-08:00

I finally got some sleep! After a whole week of distractions from my bed I finally managed to get some good old fashioned shut eye last night – AND do all the things I planned too! My housemate and I popped down the pub for a quiet one, bumped into the Kiwi as well which was nice. Then we went to the train station and got some tickets for my housemates. I got a chocolate bar from the shop *yum*

Then we got back, I watched this odd dinosaur programme and then little Britain, read a bit of my book, and went to sleep. All in all a very productive evening. I’m now in work, it’s Friday, I’m happy and all is right with the world.

I'm going to let the INTERESTING thoughts of mr edward monkton have the final word this morning, a most entertaining website...

http://www.edwardmonkton.com/index.php

One more thing...

2005-12-15T14:30:00.000-08:00

Ok I look slightly startled but all in all a lovely pic and a great night out. Here we see Me and my lovely housemates at the Comedy Club on Monday - fabulous!

Later that day...

2005-12-15T14:12:00.000-08:00

Hehe... most amusing, I don’t think **** was actually expecting me to give him my CV, not sure why, maybe it’s the amount I had to drink last night he thought I was joking. I’d like to work with him though. It would be cool. Back to work now and bored cross-eyed. Nowt to do this evening either… blooming skint as a brick, well I’ll get by until payday anyway.

I just got a personal call from my GORGEOUS bank manager, checking how I was getting on and to invite me for a chat, any time I want. He’s a sweet man!

*swoon*

Back in the real world however I’m stuck with sweet F. A. to do, I’ve run out of DVD’s to watch, there’s nothing on TV tonight… BAH!

Well the bank manager thing was a nice little boost anyway. It’s sad and cringeful that I should like this man but its not like I’ve an obsession over him, he’s just decorating the window box of my imagination… along with a few other lust objects of choice. I have no desire to take up with any of them, no harm no foul.

URGGGHH!

2005-12-15T09:41:00.000-08:00

I'm so hungover!!
Oh god I think I may just wither away at my desk!

AND I was a loon last night. Kiwi must think I'm a right one... And the other guy I like too. Oh christ...

Why!! OH WHY!!

Full news later...

Nothing...

2005-12-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

...just silence. The sheer gravitas of the situation I'm in has shut me up. Ok, not entirely but I feel very odd.

I saw my ex last night.

The singular peculiarity of this statement and its erstwhile implications has been like a rocket up my ass, firing me off into the clouds. I mean, I never expected a reply to the email. Let alone an invitation to his house. I half expected his to bop me one (he’s not the type to hit a woman – I know this) so I watched a DVD and chilled out. It was odd, a relaxed evening. The guilt of the last few months just slipped away and hung well back – not gone altogether, more sated by the knowledge he missed me. I only let my guard down once. I’m still a little annoyed with myself for asking… I asked the question you ask when a meeting of two people goes well:

“When can I see you again?” (Or words to that effect)

I should never have asked him twice. Although I would like to see him again I wish I hadn’t asked so many times two is too many. So, yes I would like to see him again.

Meanwhile now I remain floating, oddly detached from how I thought I’d feel after such a meeting. It was a good night, and I’m glad it happened. Very glad.

Comedy...

2005-12-13T10:11:00.000-08:00

I had a bit of an adventure last night. Well it was fun…

Basically, I’d booked tickets to go see the comedy club and it was hilarious. There was even a bit where one of the comedians made fun of me all on my own. After I chatted to said comedian and he was nice, older but nice. We had a few drinks and ended up going off to this jazz café. It was so relaxed and random, a very cool evening.

Now I feel like ten shades of hell but I’ll live…

Meh...

2005-12-12T09:03:00.000-08:00

I feel considerably in two minds today. Having had the weekend to reflect on the past and bring myself into the future I've realised that I may be getting myself into more trouble relationship wise... Damn that man and his cute ways. Not Kiwi funnily enough. God I'm so confused, I've know this guy since I got to Bristol. Ok he was always cute, but is it just my hormones or do I actually like this guy. I know I'm not first on his list, but it doesn't seem to bother me. I just like him. Like in high school with the unrequited love thing (ALTHOUGH its NOT love... whoah nelly!) Just a nice floaty crush...

Night of the living ex... (ok day)

2005-12-09T12:42:00.000-08:00

I’ve had a mad one this afternoon. Lunch break was spent quickly wandering around the shops, the weird thing was, I kept thinking I had spotted past ex’es… it was slightly unsettling because it caused my stomach to knot up several times over.

As well we have dental bar and karaoke this evening… mightily looking forward to that!!

However today is dragging totally… Gah!

Too tired....

2005-12-09T08:39:00.000-08:00

Got a busy weekend ahead. Lots to do, people to see places to go...
Glad its Friday though, long week (so it seems) and then not long to go before Christmas!

Good night last night, off down the pub then watching tv with the girls. Nice and relaxed and chilled. Going to the dental bar with the girls this evening, I wonder what that will bring...?

More news later when I'm actually awake...

The zoo....

2005-12-08T10:27:00.000-08:00

Oh my god I'm so tired!! My legs are acheing and I'm seriously glad I get to sit down all day! Saw loads of animals at the zoo yesterday. It was well fab! Here's some pics:

Above are some turtoises they were huge!

Above is a rather lazy seal :o)
There are some penguins above
That odd looking horse is an okapi
There's some lions

And a hippo!